& Hayes: (1983) Tommy Lee Jones (!!) is a pirate of the good
and rogue-ish kind who helps a young dude find his fiance who’s been
captured by pirates of the smelly, slaughtering kind (you know, REAL pirates).
The good news for the girl is that Tommy knows the main bad pirate, Peas,
knows where to find him, and has already shot off his balls on a previous
mis-adventure. Still, this doesn’t stop Peas’ crew from trying to
get their hands on her (and well it should not, I say), nor from Peas and
a German Count from giving her (along with shrunken heads and other proper
formalities) to a fat chief as an offering to some god or another.
Hence our lament – Where’d she get the gown and who prepared her for the
sacrifice? Hey, these are the questions that make me hate PG ratings.
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2002 M&V/Scott P Vaughn
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