THE EVIL
OVERLORD LIST...
This Evil Overlord List
is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to
pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered
in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached.
Being an Evil Overlord seems
to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks
and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about
in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in
the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords,
deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to
make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow
me to present...
The Top 100 Things I'd
Do
If I Ever Became An Evil
Overlord
My Legions of Terror will
have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
My ventilation ducts will
be too small to crawl through.
My noble half-brother whose
throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten
cell of my dungeon.
Shooting is not too good
for my enemies.
The artifact which is the
source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the
River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit
box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
I will not gloat over my
enemies' predicament before killing them.
When I've captured my adversary
and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what
this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought
I'll shoot him then say "No."
After I kidnap the beautiful
princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not
a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of
my plan will be carried out.
I will not include a self-destruct
mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not
be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button
marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone
stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly
be labelled as such.
I will not interrogate my
enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will
work just as well.
I will be secure in my superiority.
Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form
of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
One of my advisors will be
an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to
spot will be corrected before implementation.
All slain enemies will be
cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them,
not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their
deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until
after the aforementioned disposal.
The hero is not entitled
to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
I will never employ any device
with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable,
I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is
just putting his plan into operation.
I will never utter the sentence
"But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
When I employ people as advisors,
I will occasionally listen to their advice.
I will not have a son. Although
his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it
would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
I will not have a daughter.
She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged
countenance and she'd betray her own father.
Despite its proven stress-relieving
effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's
too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual
could adjust to accordingly.
I will hire a talented fashion
designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed
to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman
footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and
I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
No matter how tempted I am
with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field
bigger than my head.
I will keep a special cache
of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even
if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the
standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun
by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
I will maintain a realistic
assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some
of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this
cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
No matter how well it would
perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely
indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable
spot.
No matter how attractive
certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as
attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice
before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
I will never build only one
of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control
panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least
two fully loaded weapons at all times.
My pet monster will be kept
in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not
accidentally stumble.
I will dress in bright and
cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy
squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively
put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they
have no source of comic relief.
All naive, busty tavern wenches
in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will
provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero
or his sidekick.
I will not fly into a rage
and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil
I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
I won't require high-ranking
female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale
is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely
from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
I will not turn into a snake.
It never helps.
I will not grow a goatee.
In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look
like a disaffected member of Generation X.
I will not imprison members
of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they
are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my
person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the
prison.
If my trusted lieutenant
tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him.
After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
If an enemy I have just killed
has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have
them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring
feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
If I absolutely must ride
into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of
Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
I will be neither chivalrous
nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early
and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
Once my power is secure,
I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
When I capture the hero,
I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly
cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to
follow him around.
I will maintain a healthy
amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims
she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her
companions if I just let her in on my plans.
I will only employ bounty
hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt
tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting
chance.
I will make sure I have a
clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization.
For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it
at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and
kill some random underling.
If an advisor says to me
"My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply
"This." and kill the advisor.
If I learn that a callow
youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still
a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
I will treat any beast which
I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if
the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
If I learn the whereabouts
of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops
out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and
quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
My main computers will have
their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible
with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
If one of my dungeon guards
begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess'
cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
I will hire a team of board-certified
architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret
passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
If the beautiful princess
that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!",
I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
I will not strike a bargain
with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel
like being contrary.
The deformed mutants and
odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However
before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and
subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who
would attract less attention.
My Legions of Terror will
be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized
target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
Before employing any captured
artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
If it becomes necessary to
escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
I will never build a sentient
computer smarter than I am.
My five-year-old child advisor
will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks
the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies
to passwords.
If my advisors ask "Why are
you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until
I have a response that satisfies them.
I will design fortress hallways
with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could
use for cover in a firefight.
Bulk trash will be disposed
of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none
of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable
intervals.
I will see a competent psychiatrist
and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits
which could prove to be a disadvantage.
If I must have computer systems
with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex
will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will
be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as
Sewage Overflow Containment.
My security keypad will actually
be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of
buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter
by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
No matter how many shorts
we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance
camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
I will spare someone who
saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages
others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want
me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
All midwives will be banned
from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals.
Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be
raised by creatures of the wild.
When my guards split up to
search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two.
They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while
on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup,
instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
If I decide to test a lieutenant's
loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have
a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
If all the heroes are standing
together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out
a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
I will not agree to let the
heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure
me it is impossible for them to win.
When I create a multimedia
presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily
understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and
leave it lying on top of my desk.
I will instruct my Legions
of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting
while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
If the hero runs up to my
roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to
push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff.
(In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even
worth considering.)
If I have a fit of temporary
insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted
lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted
lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
I will not tell my Legions
of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to
take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
If my doomsday device happens
to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will
be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
If my weakest troops fail
to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting
time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my
fortress.
If I am fighting with the
hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish
him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead
of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
I will not shoot at any of
my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to
a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
If I'm eating dinner with
the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any
reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide
whether or not to switch with him.
I will not have captives
of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
I will not use any plan in
which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones
of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment
of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the
button."
I will make sure that my
doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
My vats of hazardous chemicals
will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above
them.
If a group of henchmen fail
miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send
the same group out to try the task again.
After I captures the hero's
superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard
because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the
hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
I will not design my Main
Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
I will not ignore the messenger
that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming
or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
If I ever talk to the hero
on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged
perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and
that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will
likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible
in this regard.)
If I decide to hold a double
execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will
see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
When arresting prisoners,
my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely
sentimental value.
My dungeon will have its
own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner
becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard
will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
My door mechanisms will be
designed
so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting
the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
My dungeon cells will not
be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything
that can be unravelled.
If an attractive young couple
enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they
are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance
have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time
bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions
when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints
of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
Any data file of crucial
importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
Finally, to keep my subjects
permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with
free unlimited Internet access. |