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Lamentation
of the Unknown
Henchman
| Interview
From
M & V MagaZine Vol. XIV, #3
Are you the person
I’ve heard in the theatre asking out loud, “Now how the hell did the Bond
Girl get into the gown in time to be fed to the snake?”
“Hi, my name’s Bob,
and I’m an evil Henchman.” I sit across from “Bob”, as he prefurs
to be called for the interview, who currently works for Doctor Evil of
Austin Powers fame. “Yeah, you may know me from such movies and adventures
as Big Trouble in Little China, Indiana Jones and the Temple
of Doom, Heavy Metal, Doctor Who, Star Trek, and
others.” Bob started his work in such serial adventures as Fu Manchu,
working his way through the ranks from ‘Petty Thug’ to his current status
as the enviable Henchman who gets to redress the female victims of his
employers. |
"Bob"
- Dresses sacrificial Virgins
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“’Bathe her, and bring her
to me.’ Yeah, I love dat line. Brings the nervous tic back
every time, but I just can’t wait to hear it, nonetheless.” But Bob
would like to complain about his current conditions, and in a big way.
“The problem with MY line of work is that I’m underappreciated and neglected.
I’m an unseen henchman, really. My handiwork is implied, but never
viewed. You see, I’m the guy who gets to “prepare” the Sacrificial
Virgins, D.I.D.’s (Damsels In Distress) and other lucky girls who happen
into the cluthces of whichever baddie I am currently working for.
And I love my job.”
But you never see
it. |
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Bob says he can trace
the desires to pursue his current line of work to his early childhood in
Liverpool where his sister allowed him to dress her dolls before she would
throw them to the sewer rats. From there it was back and forth between
studios in Hollywood and Brittain, from Bad Guy to Bad Guy, being the “man
behind the scenes” in over twenty films and TV shows.
He’s taken this to
the Evil Unions of course, not to mention the Film Industry’s mogels, and
so on, but for some reason or another Bob’s work is deamed un-viewable
by the Motion Picture Association of America. As if it is somehow
not family viewing if you get to see him stripping beautiful women (whom
are often chained, drugged or otherwise incapacitated, mind you), then
“fond’ling their goodies”, and finally dressing them for the slaughter
or some other fate worse than death. “I mean really. You want
to see that, don’t you,” laments Bob. “Where’s the justice among
my profession, eh? My Boss allows me my occupation, sometimes witless
of the advantages it entitles me, sure, but it certainly is a livin’!”
Bob even has co-henchmen
on certain gigs. “Yeah, I’ve got Sacrificial gown makers on some
jobs. Jewelers, Body-oil preparers, Rope-weavers, Shakle-builders,
you name it. How do you think they get that beautiful, eh?
They’re not always brought by the guards in that condition, ya know.
We’re artists.” |
We asked many of the
other Evil Henchman what they thought of Bob’s job. They replied,
“Bob, you gotta love THAT job, huh? Nudge nudge!”
Bob retorts though,
unwavered from his sorrow. “At least those guys get seen during their
melees wit’ da good guys, lucky stiffs. Just once I want my moment
in da spotlight, my fifteen minutes of fame. I’ll give ‘em a show,”
Bob says, a drooling, leery grin spreading across his face.
“Bob” is awaiting transfer
to asian cinema, hoping he’ll fare better among their rumored degrading
schlock films.
He still regrets his not
switching to porn in the early 70’s. |
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