Lamentation of the Unknown 

Interview From M & V MagaZine Vol. XIV, #3

  Are you the person I’ve heard in the theatre asking out loud, “Now how the hell did the Bond Girl get into the gown in time to be fed to the snake?”
 “Hi, my name’s Bob, and I’m an evil Henchman.”  I sit across from “Bob”, as he prefurs to be called for the interview, who currently works for Doctor Evil of Austin Powers fame.  “Yeah, you may know me from such movies and adventures as Big Trouble in Little China, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Heavy Metal, Doctor Who, Star Trek, and others.”  Bob started his work in such serial adventures as Fu Manchu, working his way through the ranks from ‘Petty Thug’ to his current status as the enviable Henchman who gets to redress the female victims of his employers.

You don't know me.
"Bob" - Dresses sacrificial Virgins
“’Bathe her, and bring her to me.’  Yeah, I love dat line.  Brings the nervous tic back every time, but I just can’t wait to hear it, nonetheless.”  But Bob would like to complain about his current conditions, and in a big way.  “The problem with MY line of work is that I’m underappreciated and neglected.  I’m an unseen henchman, really.  My handiwork is implied, but never viewed.  You see, I’m the guy who gets to “prepare” the Sacrificial Virgins, D.I.D.’s (Damsels In Distress) and other lucky girls who happen into the cluthces of whichever baddie I am currently working for.  And I love my job.”
 But you never see it.
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 Bob says he can trace the desires to pursue his current line of work to his early childhood in Liverpool where his sister allowed him to dress her dolls before she would throw them to the sewer rats.  From there it was back and forth between studios in Hollywood and Brittain, from Bad Guy to Bad Guy, being the “man behind the scenes” in over twenty films and TV shows.
 He’s taken this to the Evil Unions of course, not to mention the Film Industry’s mogels, and so on, but for some reason or another Bob’s work is deamed un-viewable by the Motion Picture Association of America.  As if it is somehow not family viewing if you get to see him stripping beautiful women (whom are often chained, drugged or otherwise incapacitated, mind you), then “fond’ling their goodies”, and finally dressing them for the slaughter or some other fate worse than death.  “I mean really.  You want to see that, don’t you,” laments Bob.  “Where’s the justice among my profession, eh?  My Boss allows me my occupation, sometimes witless of the advantages it entitles me, sure, but it certainly is a livin’!”
 Bob even has co-henchmen on certain gigs.  “Yeah, I’ve got Sacrificial gown makers on some jobs.  Jewelers, Body-oil preparers, Rope-weavers, Shakle-builders, you name it.  How do you think they get that beautiful, eh?  They’re not always brought by the guards in that condition, ya know.  We’re artists.”
 We asked many of the other Evil Henchman what they thought of Bob’s job.  They replied, “Bob, you gotta love THAT job, huh?  Nudge nudge!”
  Bob retorts though, unwavered from his sorrow.  “At least those guys get seen during their melees wit’ da good guys, lucky stiffs.  Just once I want my moment in da spotlight, my fifteen minutes of fame.  I’ll give ‘em a show,” Bob says, a drooling, leery grin spreading across his face.

“Bob” is awaiting transfer to asian cinema, hoping he’ll fare better among their rumored degrading schlock films.
He still regrets his not switching to porn in the early 70’s.

Bob's Lamentation of the Unknown Henchman website is Copyright 2002 M&V/Scott P Vaughn
All unoriginal materials are presented here in the case of review.